The Musing's of Summer Leigh

I will leave this peice of writing untitled for now.
Sometimes the title of my writings come long after
their creation. Hope you get some meaning out of this.

How long have I been here?
How long have I been out here wondering around in the darkness, unableto fly?
How long have I been lost?
Where was I when I first realized that I was lost?
Oh wait...I was here.
Right here, as a matter of fact.
I was inside this same body.
My surroundings might have looked a little different, but still....here I was in the same body that I occupy now.
Then, it was a bad marriage, and a fake smile.
Then, it was a need to be something other than his slave, and his personal dart board onto which he flung his hateful, fiery words.
Then it was a lie that I was living, no one knew of my season of purgatory or the heart that lie barely breathing.
I was suffocating under the smothering, sinful, diabolical smile of a twisted human being.
I can't blame others for being fooled by him, when I myself was as big a fool.
Then, one day I read the last page of that book and I closed it and put it on a shelf too gather dust, and be forgotten.
*******

I started my life over.
I was free......
Free to fly. This colorful, caged bird could finally fly.
And I did.
I flew aimlessly into the darkness.
I flew recklessly into abandon.
*

Then, love knocked on my heart.
I was scared to answer because love, and good things don't normally follow birds like me.
I was accustomed to flying from nest to nest, never to settle down, no matter how tired my wings may be.
But finally...I met a bird much more colorful than me.
"Rest." he says. "I will protect, and love you."
And he has. Once again I was free.
Freedom of a different kind. This time I was free from worry and fright.
He took me and my young under his wing and he began to carry us, and shelter us from the storms that life kept blowing my way.
Finally...I felt so at home. Love finally lived in my house and in my heart.
We struggle in flight from time to time, as the winds blow and rock our nest that he has built.
But, we always manage to steady ourselves and recover.
He loves me when my heart is mad, and my soul is tired, and my strength is gone.
He loves me when I try to make him hate me.
And when...and I often do...require the need to spread my wings and fly.
He always says..."Okay my beautiful bird. Fly. I'll be here in our nest when you return."
And he is. He's here. Waiting for me to rest my wings once again.
He knows that I will tire after a while, so he waits and he allows me to flutter my wings and fly in circles which point in no other direction than that of home.
*

Just as we beleive that our nest is secure, and two broken-winged birds can rest easy...along comes terror.
Terror of the worst kind.
There he is again.
That black bird of my past.
That book was supposed to be gathering dust by now.
Who took it off the shelf onto which I placed it?
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way?
Or... maybe it was.
Maybe I am supposed to spend my entire life gaurding my heart, and my home.
And maybe...just maybe, I will never be able to sleep without fear of the blackbird.
Even as I lie under the wing of my protector...the black bird can still bawk at me, and fly over my nest in the darkness.
He's trying to take what matters most now.
The young years of my life, and my happiness, and my love wasn't enough for him.
Now he wants my offspring.
Now...he threatens to make me live my life without the two people that I love the most.
My wings begin to flutter nervously, I stand on the edge of our nest and I threaten to jump and not spread my wings.
I threaten wreckless abandon once again.
"Stop!" yells my mate.
"You are stronger than this. Light is better than dark. Blind him with your colorful wings, just as you did me, when I first saw your face."
"He has broken my wings," I cry. "I can no longer fly."
His hand. His beautiful hand, reaches out and catches my falling tear.
"You won't have to fly alone my sweet, and beautiful bird. I am your co-pilot now. We. You and I. Will fly this journey together."
*****

So far, we have. But I know that the worst is yet to come.
I know that the storms haven't moved in yet. The skies grow darker each and everyday.
But...the storm is still out there brewing.
Ready to lash out and shake my nest, and threaten my wing span as I struggle to fly again.
Am I afraid?
I am more than afraid...I am running over with fear of the black bird and what he threatens to do to me.
Though I want to shine.
It's very hard to when the shadow of the black bird hovers above me
waiting to rush in and destroy my nest, and take my young.
The only comfort that I have at this point is knowing that
My wings are not fully developed.
The Master creator above gave me wondrous wings when he made me.
I can only open half span right now...and my colors aren't as bright as some birds that I've seen.
So, I know that I'm not grown yet.
I know that God in all of his wondrous glory, isn't finished with me yet.
One day however. And one day soon.
God is going to allow me to open my wings to their fullest span,
He will allow all of my colors to shine brightly.
Then and only then...
Will this broken-winged bird finally do what other birds before me have done.
Fly over, and beyond the black bird.

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